Oil spill? Wattaya say we just go with it?
First off, forget trying to plug the leak. What's the point? With thousands of other oil platforms out there something else is bound to happen to another one someday and we'll be right back where we started. Instead, let's pop the cork on the rest of them and REALLY start filling the Gulf with oil. After a while there should be so much of it that the water will be displaced completely, leaving us with a thousand mile wide lake of crude to draw on.
Of course we'll have to prevent it from escaping into the Caribbean Sea and the Atlantic Ocean, so that's why we'll need the good old Army Corps of Engineers to build a sea wall from the Florida Keys to the tip of the Yucatan peninsula. We'll let the water out but keep the oil in -- don't ask, let's just let them figure out a way. I think oil floats, right?
Speaking of the Yucatan, we'll need to address finding a way to keep Mexico from sucking up some of our oil. After all, we drilled the holes and built the big sea wall, so we should have exclusive rights to the oil even though about a thousand miles of the Mexican coastline will be helping to contain it. Well, all right, maybe we'll let them share. There has to be some role for diplomacy in all this.
Finally we'll have to address the danger of fire. That's why I propose to invest in the installation of a line of NO SMOKING signs about every 100 feet around the whole circumference of what will now be called the Gulf Oil Lake. Of course we'll need to have guards patrolling the edges also and making sure that people obey the signs. This is very important, because you can just imagine what the environmentalists would say if the whole thing turns into a giant torch.
Admittedly, that is a worst case scenario, but we should be prepared for this too. That's why NASA will be called in to capture an asteroid of the right size and place it into Earth orbit. Then if the oil lake ever catches fire, they will land the asteroid in the middle of it, and the tremendous rush of air will snuff the flames out.
I realize this sounds a bit scary, but remember it's only a worst case scenario. If everything is designed and built properly, and everyone is careful, what could possibly go wrong?